crush?

Typing the word, saying it aloud, mustering the courage and self-awareness to write such a piece was somewhat of a challenge but easily not the worst thing I've done. My only comfort or reasoning behind this post is, that this is a shared experience

While brainstorming for this piece I felt inclined to define my subject matter and searched the word 'crush.' As a noun, it reads as a 'brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable.' which I felt read beautifully for a google search result. Something I perceived as a complex and layered process, summarised in cold, concise terms. As I become more seasoned with this phenomenon, I wish to share the extent of decay my mind undergoes and hopefully you! Reader! Will relate.

The selection of the person, the brief interactions held with said person which later transmute themselves into objects of worship, moments of bliss to be revisited continually till the unsuspecting person becomes deified and myself, lulled by the episodic bursts of dopamine into a temporary delusion. Rational thought and regular conversation become foreign concepts and are replaced with uncontrollable laughter and an encyclopedic recount of all things to do with the current fixation and most importantly, how they are directly linked to me.

As the crush matures, their existence, or perhaps my version of their existence becomes more of a hassle than a pleasure. Their presence in my mind feeling more unsolicited and uncomfortable, like the scent of food, initially alluring, then increasingly nauseating as it clings to your clothes, your fingertips as a reminder of what you did, and what you will continue to do as the enjoyment seems to outweigh the undercurrent of inconveniences. Quick to amplify their good traits but never considering how these are simply the bare minimum.

Overall, the crush experience serves as entertainment as well as a reminder of my own immaturity, my self-awareness shows growth (I think) but also has led me to redefine the word itself, rather than the informal 'brief infatuation' it's more attuned to me if understood as a verb, taking inspiration from the definition 'compress or squeeze forcefully so as to break, damage, or distort in shape' and focusing on the aspect of distortion. Whoever I've chosen as a crush no longer exists as a person in my mind, they've been distorted into a concept that is free from original sin, a monolith of meaningless affections devoid of any true meaning.

  ❤

I wrote this like 2 months ago and was too embarrassed to put it anywhere, but the more i re read the more i thought omg!! i really like this! like alot!! i initially wanted to post on valentines day but i found the ending to morbid sounding on a day for love and affection, but any ways i hope this is enjoyable! and please give constructive criticisms if needed, thank you.