yemisi's anagnorisis pt2 

'What university are you hoping for?' said the deputy head.

His demeanour as friendly as one could be I guess, it was jarring seeing him in such an ensemble, plain trousers and a brightly coloured t-shirt with a design I didn't take note of. The antithesis to his usual sleek pinstripe trousers and buttoned up blazers he wore during term times. As he spoke he didn't smile, I'm convinced he never has while on school grounds, but his tone sounded like he was smiling , which again, seemed jarring, perhaps this was the first omen.

'Hopefully Warwick!' I replied in a voice that was small, unsure and awkward.

Not at what I said, more so at his appearance, but again, looking back on things, maybe internally I knew I wasn't 'good enough'. I remember pacing out of the sports hall, the miasma of nerves and unintelligible chatter now quiet as I with shaky hands opened the envelope and revealed the three letters.

A*

A

B

are the grades I needed, not what I got.

I stared in complete disbelief, checking my candidate number, my name, maybe these weren't my results, maybe theres a mistake, I remember thinking. My eyes scanned the page frantically, looking for a capitalised  'A' somewhere, but only disappointment, and creeping bouts of self deprecation were found. I've always wavered between whether I considered myself smart or average, and secretly craved some kind of tangible proof that I was in the upper percentile of those around me, as confirmation of being 'better.' Perhaps these thoughts predetermined my fate, maybe this outcome was punishment for thinking in this way. Those that are 'better' don't think they're better, they just are. And those around them interpret at such. Me trying to slip into this secret society of high achievers and those destined for success was as futile as pigs flying. The annual rhetoric of 'my grades don't define me' which I occasionally found myself categorising into the box that is wishful thinking, I then was desperately prying open and shamefully forcing myself adopt this perspective.

Above is a sanitised bundle of the things going through my mind post- results, so dramatic its almost comedic, even now I can almost smile at the idea of me turning something so trivial into an existentialist piece on whether i'll 'make it' and how quickly I hyper fixate on the worst case scenarios.

Now however, I can grasp that the path to success has never been a binary and no ones worth should be determined via the constructed nature of academic performance.

♣

 how was your results day!! i'm going to Cardiff university what about you?

when i think holistically on this whole ordeal i'm grateful for the humbling, it's almost given me purpose to do even better than I have in the things upcoming. I still feel rusty in regards to writing, so lemme know how good this was in comparison to my other pieces 

Pt 1> Pt2

ending was so corny o em gee